I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
Let's just say I've never been so continually aware of my nipples before.
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
Randomize
