new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
There's a fat drunk walrus bitch here next to me and shes already puked and now falling on herself
OH FUCK NOW HER BOYFRIEND IS MAKING OUT WITH HER VOMIT HOLE
Sounds like a good blink 182 concert...
i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
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