Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
its a nice change of pace not blacking out and actually remembering getting laid
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
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