He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
FULL ON LADY WOOD. YOU CAN SEE THE VEIN
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
I'm studying. And by studying I mean I am laying on my floor drinking boones farm alone. Last two weeks. Fuck it.
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
Dad hid the hash somewhere in my room and wont tell me where it is until i clean it. My room is spotless. The hash was on the ceiling fan...
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Randomize
