My only options right now are Herpes, Gay, or Vanilla.
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
i dont care if i had to wear a dress to fuck her, she was super hot and i stand by my decision
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
True idk how my parents didn't know I was blackout. I ate like 4 pieces of cheesecake and showed my cousins my boobs
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
Its not that hard to understand he's my holiday boyfriend, we ignore each other most of the year except on holidays when I give him head
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