it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
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