rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
Randomize