sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
You know you love balls. Don't act all "I-Don't-Love-Balls-ish"
I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
It was odd. His friends dick tasted the same as his. Friends are beginning to have to much in common
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
Male strippers are involved. You are coming
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
He may be a manwhore, but he’s a very well endowed manwhore
That’s an important feature when it comes to a manwhore
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