I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
She had a baby and now works at Hooters. She is the poster child for peaking in high school.
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
good it was pretty cute, also what would bong water do to a puppy?
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
Randomize
