I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
too bad you can't see the clap by looking at her face.
she is a standing ovation.
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
u r missing out we r watching a tranny direct traffic in a gstring
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
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