oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
this just proves how much faith i have in "us".. what should we be for halloween..?
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
Randomize
