i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
I was chocking and even did the sign for it..And you continued to just laugh
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
I have aggressive nipples.
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
Not to be hella graphic on main but I just came so hard I think I saw a new color.
Randomize
