bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
And as you crawled into the bathroom last night you repeatedly said "I know the routine".
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
Randomize
