we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
Hey guys so who is Justin McGoo and why did I text him "fuck yooooouuu juuuustiiin mcgooo" at 12:06am on Thursday night?
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
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