Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
Lol. No. We cannot eat chicken while we have sex. No.
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
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