I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
i need a lesbian romance or unplanned pregnancy for some spicein my life.
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
you might as well be a hobo. you were covered in pee last night hanging out on the stairs drunk.
right. well we all have our lows.
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
If we all have the time, and the weather permits, and you have no plans, we should have another go at Operation Get Our Carless Friends Laid. All the lonely people will be out. We can take our lonely people out too.
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
Randomize
