Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
He told me he deactivated his facebook because his girlfriend caught him wackin it to my profile picture.
10 points to you
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
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