Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
guys are not supposed to queef...right?
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
Randomize
