You know you had good weekend wheb we you hook up with three different girls and you don't feel no pain when u pee in the morning
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
I think I want to impress his gay best friend more than him..
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
