dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
I feel great
I just peed on a car
Just took a beer bong out of snuffaluffagus's trunk. Your move
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
Nothing like a little anal leakage to start off Sunday morning. Can't decide if that speaks well of my weekend or not...
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
Randomize
