the only time it's appropriate to sing In The Air Tonight by Phils Collins is while sake bombing at Cal Beach
um or while having sex on a train
he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
that coffee was exactly what I needed. Also whose awesome hat is on the couch with ear flaps? I wanna put my head in it
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
Hippo gnu deer
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
Randomize
