YEA!!! I'll throw you a non-baby shower.
i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
If drawing me a picture of his dick in draw something is flirting then he is doing it wrong.
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
my goal for the rest of college is to escape STD free. fuck getting a job. this is more important.
Two words: blizzard sex
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
Randomize
