some kid came into the principals office and tried to explain what he was sent there for through interpretive dance.
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
I just gotta say that I feel so much better now that I got some. I mean I feel like a normal functioning adult ready to contribute to society.
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
I told him I was studying his body for art, so now I have to actually do a drawing of him to not look like a creep and so we can hook up again.
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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