she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
going to class with no bra.. is that saying "i don't give a fuck i'm one hour away from thanksgiving break?"
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
So I am just swinging blind here, but I am guessing that blood in your sinus is not ideal
He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
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