thus making me awesome and them whores
Just walk through the Honors dorm on a Saturday night. You'll feel better about yourself.
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
I just got kidnapped by the rugby team for a scavenger hunt. I'm "the girl you had sex with last night"
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
Handicvap rails on the toilet atre soooooo fuckin handy right nmow.
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
please come back. it's turned into strip rock paper scissors
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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