I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
He took a picture with a naked dude. I think he just walked out of that deep ginger closet.
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
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