you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
His cuteness will no longer contol my vagina
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
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