I queefed so loud it echoed.
med student doing my blood work at the AIDS clinic just hit on me after I told him i was having unprotected sex, but didn't think i had HIV.
I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.
I'm pretty sure we put the facepaint on during whippets
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
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