I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
maybe tonight we can turn coloring into a drinking game
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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