Don't make out with my wife yet
Dude, TWO hot chicks on jeopardy tonight. gonna be a good one
Dude, I am so turned on right now. Hot chick with glasses from brooklyn is absolutely crushing right now, taking whole categories. might beat off to jeapordy...
do another line during during the commercial and make the magic happen during double jeopardy.
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
I may or may not be setting up an encounter with a foot fetishist just because I'm curious.
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
Randomize
