Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
i dont know the whole gay terminator look is really hot on him
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
Just saw you run by my class yelling "fuck you!". Good luck and stay human!
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
