i wish my penis had a tongue
zippers are such a cool invention
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
Carver called his mom a milf again
Was it on purpose this time?
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