I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
Does he know anything about your personal life besides what you look like without clothes on?
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
Im just confused who has their mom break up with someone
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
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