you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
Randomize
