i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
When you gave me the first bj i thought 'yep, this girl is going to do great things with her life'
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
I feel like this is going to result in some sort of tearing in my vagina.
Thats a chance were just gonna have to take
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
Randomize