watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
he then started listing things that have been up his butt, never drinking in boys town again
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
Shitshow foam night was such a success
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
I can't turn off my feet"
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
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