Plan B is the new Plan A
Well, I guess that settles the question of how thick the walls are in my building.
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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