we just watched the ball drop on the spanish channel. best mistake of my life.
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
i'm moving back early just in case the freshmen need a tour of the school
oh right the one that ends on your bed
help me choose which girl to send myself boning to my girlfriend to make her want to break up
which one looks the most like her?
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
Blood and glitter go together right?
No, I know her type. Tall, lanky, uses teeth when giving head, and runs like a giraffe. Don't do it man..
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
Randomize
