take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
Speaking of school, I've done the math and I get laid about 10 times more often than I did before I got my law degree. $100,000 well spent.
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
Randomize
