She'll never know what hit her
I dunno. Girls tend to recognize ball-to-chin contact.
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
Randomize
