Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
No, no. The rest of his everything inspires me to put his dick in my mouth
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
I am a woman. I need to be selective about the porn I stream on my phone. Who knows if my cell will ever get lost, who will see it and what they'd think otherwise. Keepin' it classy tampa.
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
too bad we didn't bet. my 38-1 tears would have made great lubrication for a blow job.
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
Laying in bed naked is fun. I now see why guys love boobs... They're sooo bouncy! This long distance relationship is really killing my sex life.
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