Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
You don't give head? I'm offended and I don't even have a cock...
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
so an orgy is about to happen in the next room if you wondered where i am currently at in life
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
how do I say, without sounding slutty... That I can take a dick?
Randomize
