At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
World Cup Drinking Game: Take a shot every time they call a foul for something we don't understand. Gotta risk it to get the biscuit.
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
Randomize
