This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
we'll go far in life on tits alone.
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
Blood everywhere...karaoke was nice
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
Randomize
