The maid of honor just puked.
No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
hes wearing the same tie today that i tied him up with last night.i wanna go home
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
Just start grabbing cocks. It can't go wrong! Just say you thought you knew him and wanted to check.
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
Randomize
