Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
What good is being a girl if you can't terrorize boys with pregnancy scares??
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
Crop dusting thru forever 21
Randomize
