she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
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