Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
I think I have vodka in my lungs
i think i figured out where our problem might have started...when we poured more tequila on top of out margaritas to melt the ice bc they were too cold
hahaha or putting rum in the bbq sauce?
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
I didn't think four grown drunk men could cuddle on a twin size bed, but we found a way.
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
Kinda suprised you didn't immediately ask about the lesbian ghosts tho
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
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