Put your dick on his face to wake him up, dont worry its fine.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
I'm at forever 21 and someone pooped in the dressing room.
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
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