Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
Its not that hard to understand he's my holiday boyfriend, we ignore each other most of the year except on holidays when I give him head
He's really cute...He stopped talking to me because i pulled my skirt up and peed in a demi plie position...
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
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