It's not real sex if he's just convulsing inside of you.
I just bought a CD. I feel like a traitor to my generation.
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
Semen is not good for contacts.
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
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