Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
As a side note, my abs are sore. Most likely cause? Orgasms. Thank you.
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
I look at it as community service. He was going through a rough time and I gave him an ego boost. That's how we're going to remember it. I was doing a good deed lol
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
