I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
she's naming her girl london marie
that kid will be born with a tramp stamp
Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
I know this is a weird question but we both had pants on when my mom woke us up last night right?
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
at what point last night did i get this tattoo of an anchor made of dicks?
around eleven
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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