Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
Did strip banana grams actually happen last night
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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