my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
One thing i hate about playoff baseball: George Lopez
after watching ten minutes of "the decision," I conclude that King Lebron has more influence on America than Barak Obama. I love our countries values.
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
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