and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
Responsibility does not care about your dick.
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
Sorry for trying to force you and Robert to make out. I didn't realize how awkward it was until I woke up today.
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
All I remember is this kid kept saying that he has a dream that white kids and black kids can take shots together as one, and just we'd keep drinking to that.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
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