worst experience of my life. her nipples were sick. kinda like a venn diagram
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
This beer is not sobering me up at all
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
If his smile makes you freak out and drop things imagine what his penis could do
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
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