she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
she just sneezed while going down on me. is it rude for me to ask her to do it again?
Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
Randomize
