yeah she is the one who tells people i beat girls.. which ironically make me want to punch her in the face
Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
i was enjoying my post acid trip trance a little too much. i found $50 on the sidewalk but didnt pick it up. just stared at the bill cuz it looked cool.
someone picked it up and i stared at the ground where it was for probably another minute or 2
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
whose shirt was i wearing?
his little sister's
what was she wearing
a feather boa and 6 inch heels
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
Randomize