your cum blends into my yellow sheets :/
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
He pulled his pants down and said blow me, while passing out on my bed. I then pulled his pants up as he continuously started moaning in the background.
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
Randomize
