did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
Please come to History lecture. The kid two seats over is belligerently drunk.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
Everyone's impressed that I actually got pee all over his car since I'm a girl and they're a little curious..
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
Randomize
