she kept yelling 'call me bella'
Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
I walking on her passed out on her bed, clutching a burrito and the walking dead dvd on replay.
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
just pleasured myself to USA hockey beating Russia in the shoot out. god bless America.
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
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