ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
I wish life had little blips of pornography
How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
That would explain his violent outburst while watching barefoot contessa...
oh god was she eating orange peels again
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
wow. that really looks like a penis. not a top hat
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