woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
now were playing what girl doesnt belong in the picture of girls in bikinis.
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
You need Xanax blowdarts
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
Randomize
