i bet jesus would rush if he went to usc
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
do you remember your solution to not spill your drinks last night? .. Shots, that way you wouldnt have time to spill them. i love your drunken logic haha
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
Randomize
