Ppl just aren't as funny as we are
i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
Ya after that i took a dump on a car... We're definitely partying with him again
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize
