Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
He asked if I could ever take him seriously, I told him I just like his doggy style.....needless to say I snuck out after an awkward cuddle session... I wont be calling him at 2 am anymore.
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
